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Why Not Stir Things Up in the NL West?

I love what happened between St. Louis and Cincinnati Tuesday. I don’t want to beat a dead horse but in case you missed it, here’s what happened. 
Reds’ second baseman Brandon Phillips tapped Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina with his bat as he stepped up to the plate to hit. Just a playful nudge from two guys in the middle of a division race, right? 
Wrong.
Molina didn’t respond nicely to the gesture and the two started sharing words, which led to a brawl. But that’s not too surprising. Tensions are high and nobody wants to sit out the postseason after playing 162 games to get there. But why did Molina blow up over a little bat tap? It all had something to do with what Phillips had said prior to the game:
“I'd play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is [expletive] and moan about everything, all of them, they're little [same expletive, plural], all of 'em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear: I hate the Cardinals.”
I know, it’s awesome. I’d love to know what Phillips would say about the Cardinals when he isn’t talking to the media. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of foul language, I’m just a fan of drama in sports. It’s understandable that Molina wasn’t happy to have any contact with Phillips after reading that. 
When asked about the incident, Molina told Fox Sports Midwest, "He talked bad about my team, he talked bad about me. Don't talk bad and come up and say 'hi' to me. That's stupid."
The Cardinals went on to win 8-4 and took the lead in the NL Central only by their percentage, but the incident got me wondering what the Padres could do to heat up the Padres' NL West division race with the Giants  even more. Now, I think trash talk can be a good thing, however I do understand the influence bulletin board material can have. But if the Padres were to start a brawl, here are two options they have that could get the San Francisco Giants riled up.
  1. If the Padres were to stir the pot, they would have to attack the Giants at their heart: Tim Lincecum.  But how do you insult a two-time Cy Young winner? There’s really only one way to insult Lincecum: his hair.  If the Padres’ Mat Latos ever duels it out with Lincecum, Latos should claim that his golden locks look better mid-pitch than Lincecum’s hair does. A brawl would almost certain ensue and the division race would be officially "heated up."
  2. The second option is not as original, but could be even better. All the Padres would have to do is amend Phillips' quote to fit their circumstance. But to make it easier, I've made a universal mad-lib that should work well for all teams and all fan bases (see below). Have some fun with it and see what you come up with.

a. noun (plural).
b. noun
c. rival team's name.
d. expletive, or verb.
e. verb
f. same expletive, or verb, as in "c" but made into a plural noun.
g. verb
h. verb
i. different team in your division.
j. verb



"I'd play against these __a.__ with one __b.   . We have to beat these __a.__. I hate the __c.__. All they do is __d.__ and __e.__ about everything, all of them, they're little __f.__, all of 'em. I really __g.__ the __c.__. Compared to the __c.__, I __h.__ the __i.__. Let me make this clear: I __j.   the __c.__. "

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